stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Randomize
