i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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