She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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