i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
