i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
