I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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