he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
