genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize