well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
