Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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