someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I feel like death gave me a hand job
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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