fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
