I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
