Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
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