dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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