Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
