i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
