Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
