Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
