I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
