I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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