Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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