No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
