her vagine was all disorganized.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
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