How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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