Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
