So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
