What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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