I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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