Ambien. No doubt about it.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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