Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
