I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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