Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
