I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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