I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
