if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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