What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
