umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
The struggles of a small town man whore
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Randomize
