So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
