Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
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