I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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