my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
