she woke up with a sticky ear
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
