So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
