dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
