you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
