it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
