took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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