sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
