i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
