What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize