Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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