She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
