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3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
