So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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