I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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