you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
