Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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