the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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