How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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