You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
