Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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