I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
