he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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