I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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