This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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