i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I want to make a zoo with you.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
