I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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