yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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