we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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