Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Just pee around me
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
