You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
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